Beyond Me

I have lately had to remind myself that God really is much bigger than I am. I continue to find my "control freak" personality unconsciously feeling as if everything is going to fall apart unless I say something or help out with it. Well, I can't exactly put the feeling properly into words so that you get the right idea, but it is a sort of tenseness that starts emotionally and moves into a physical take over of my whole body. I don't even realize it has started until it has taken over full force. Then, the gentle reminder is whispered across my spirit. God is bigger and beyond me. In reality, He does not need me and will function just fine without me. However, I am privileged that He chooses to use me at times, but I am NOT the "end all; be all." Interestingly, I would never think that I think so highly of myself, but I do find myself functioning that way. Crazy!!!

No journey without falls...

It will take much more than a blog and, apparently, many more times of seeing the Lord's faithfulness before my ability to trust becomes a natural instinct.

As my trip on Cape Cod began to close I found myself inwardly becoming nervous about the ambiguity of the future ahead. Vacation would soon be over and the job search would begin again with of course no real assurance that the search would end with me teaching. Doubts assailed me and I began to inwardly lose control of sense of peace I had originally maintained. I could actually fell the icy hand of fear tightening its terrible grip around my heart.

I prayed for a miracle and had to ask that the Lord would do it in spite of my unbelief, because I honestly have trouble believing such things are given to me. The next evening I received a message concerning a job interview. The message had been left the day before. Miracle? I think it was a small one.

Does this mean I will get the job? No. I just think it was the Lord saying, "See, stop worrying. I have it under control." Today in Matthew I read again, "For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith! Do not worry then, saying, 'What will we eat?' or 'What will we drink?' or 'What will we wear for clothing?' For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (6:25-34)

"Don't Anticipate, Participate!"

I am thoroughly enjoying my lovely vacation in Cape Cod. It really is beautiful out here and I believe I am with some of the best people in the world. Amanda and her family are absolutely wonderful!

Before I left college, I was afraid of what would come after I left Audria's wedding. I knew that I had no plans this Summer beyond Jaclin and Audria's wedding except the given of having to look for a job; therefore, unless I found a job before the weddings were over, then I would have nothing to which I could look forward.

Now, I realize that to some people that is not necessarily a problem, but to me, as a planner, it is a major problem. I am not a very organized person, but I do like to have some vague idea of what is ahead. When I was on the Chrysalis retreat during my senior year of high school, an all girls retreat where we were not allowed to bring watches or cell phones, I was terribly paranoid because we had to trust the leaders to tell us where to be when and our only idea of how much time we had was "this is a long break" and "this is a short break." The leaders would simply say, "Don't anticipate, participate" in an effort to challenge us to live in the moment, the reality of right now. I, however, was unable to do this. I was so terrified that I would not have enough time to get ready that I woke up in the middle of the night, again I have no idea what time it was, and took a shower. My rustling around woke up my leader who made me go to bed. After that the mantra was repeated more often to me and I have continued to repeat it to myself ever since.

Despite repeating the phrase every so often for the past four years, it was not until this past year, as I went through "Transformed Into Fire," that I began to truly understand the importance of it and only now am I having to truly live it. I may be able to check the time now, but I do know what is happening after I leave the Cape. I have absolutely no plans beyond job hunting after that, but when I left college, actually about a month ago, I did not know that I would be here. I had no idea I would have another experience in flying, by my self for that matter, nor did I ever thing I would be in such a beautiful place with a good friend. The Lord showed me that He could and would plan great adventures for me.

I admit it is hard at times not to get nervous about having no plans after my vacation and no job or "gainful employment" as my daddy calls it, he and momma keep me supplied with jobs around the house, but I remember He has supplied beyond my imagination so far and He can do it again. I simply must have faith that He will.

VBS Music Videos: Praise Your Way to a Workout

VBS has officially started at AUMC which means I am getting a great work out. Not only do I work out in the mornings to my Taebo videos, but now, meaning for the next few days, I am jumping around in the evening at the pace of 2 -12 year olds. It really is fun and I really do love it though sometimes I have to remind myself that I am worshiping not just instructing. Therefore I have two prayer requests: 1. My heart to be in the right place - worship 2. That the children will either somehow understand and take in what they are singing or they will be able to take something from my worship to incorporate into their lives. Well, maybe I have three requests, please pray for the hearts of those leading that the whole project will be worshipful.

Today's Verses

~Psalm 127:1-2~

Unless the LORD builds the house, they labor in vain who build it; unless the LORD guards the city, the watchmen keeps awake in vain. It is vain for you to rise up early, to retire late to eat the bread of painful labors; for He gives to His beloved even in his sleep.

June 21, 2010

I told Audria once that I wouldn’t post on a blog, but I guess this is just another of those areas where I have been found wrong. So, Audria, if you are reading this, you were right as usual. (Although whether I will actually keep up the blog remains to be seen..)

I have toyed with the idea of doing a blog since about the first week after graduation. I thought that it might be good for me as I often wait to tell people about my struggles until after they are over. Interestingly, I never seem to get past struggling with brokenness. Judith Hougen says in her book, Transformed Into Fire, that she “possessed an erroneous expectation – that really godly people eventually get over their brokenness.” I still struggle with that erroneous expectation, but in trying to accept the reality of brokenness being blessing, I thought I might share my journey.

I do not write this blog to preach, but rather so that others who read this may be either uplifted and know they are not alone or may pray for me in my journey. I do not promise that this blog will continue as I am still deciphering my heart as to its true intentions of writing this. So far I have decided that this is a very out-of-character act for me, but as it keeps being brought to my attention I would try it. Hopefully, my blogs will not always be this long, but I felt an explanation was necessary as this blog is not intended to offer answers. This blog is more intended to give a glimpse into journey and a way of sorts to keep me accountable to the journey.

Currently, I feel I am in a desert of waiting and trusting. Before I graduated I feared what would happen once Audria’s wedding was over as I had no plans after that, but the Lord has graciously provided new plans for me to go to Cape Cod. I know that the Lord will provide again and again, but find my heart shrinking with fear and worry as I look toward the future. My prayer is that fear’s grip will be loosened and I will trust entirely in Him.

~ Psalm 121~

I will lift up my eyes to the mountains; from where shall my help come? My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth. He will not allow your foot to slip; He who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, He who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD is your keeper; The LORD is your shade on your right hand. The sun will not smite you by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD will protect you from all evil; He will keep your soul. The LORD will guard your going out and your coming in From this time forth and forever.